Give Me a Child I Can Teach to Sing

Holiday Wish List

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:26:39 GMT

Step One
Make a post (public, friends-locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all. The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
Surf around your friends-list (or wish_list) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes your “trash” is another's treasure.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

1. I want books. If you have books that kids in school can read that you don’t want anymore, please, please send them to me. I want to start my classroom library and I’ll take donations for books from anybody! They don’t need to be new; they just can’t be horribly tattered.
2. I would love a good digital camera, because after obsessing over it for a couple of months, I couldn’t justify buying one for myself. Again, I’m good with used as long as it’ll take good pictures and has room to let me grow as a photographer.
3. I want more than anything to be back in contact with my nephews. I’d even take knowing where the hell they are (farfetched I know).
4. I’d love gift cards to get shoes. I need teacher shoes and I don’t ever think about buying shoes, because shoes are so expensive and once again, unless my shoes have holes in them, I can’t justify the expense to myself.
5. I’d love paid LJ time – once again, I can’t justify the expense to myself.
6. I want personalized stuff for my LJ. I love looking at layouts and stuff, but I want something that is uniquely mine.
7. I’d love to have some really close friends, or one really, really close friend that I can tell everything to. I'm good with just becoming closer to the people I've already met on LJ.
8. I want a really nice journal; leather bound perhaps. I want to write down my student teaching experience. I want the highs, the lows, and the in between.
9. Things to decorate my room. I’ve sadly never decorated any space and made it my own. I want to do that when I move back home again. I want the space to be mine. I want pictures, postcards, any random things that you can hang on the wall.
10. The money to pay for my senior picture package. I want to be able to give my family photographic proof that I’m a different girl and that I did make it through college (I figure a picture in a cap and gown with a graduation year is more than enough). The packages are expensive and I don’t know how or if I’ll be able to come up with the money. If you'd like to help with this one, you can find me on paypal @ jamie(dot)rose(dot)jones(at)gmail(dot)com
Bonus wish: Don’t forget that there is always something you can give to someone else. You don’t need to spend money to do it. Sometimes a kind word, a thoughtful email, a smile, or a hug is more than enough to make someone’s day.

Voice Post

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:08:32 GMT

I'm driving so excuse the background.

40 Acres and a Mule

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:43:43 GMT

Title: 40 Acres and a Mule
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Chris/Steve
Disclaimer: Christian Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves (and possibly each other). This is a work of fiction and as far as I know none of this ever happened.
Summary: What the future could bring
Author's Note: Sometimes when a bunny bites you, it just won't go away. That's what happened here. This is part of the Promises verse. Pre Promises Made.

Christian won’t tell him where they’re going. He says that it has to be a surprise and if he tells him then it’ll ruin the fun of the day. Steve’s decided that he’s just going to go with it because it’s becoming all too rare for Christian to be in playful moods like this.
When they finally stop, they’re in the middle of nowhere and Steve honestly has no idea what to think. He doesn’t find the same peace out here that Christian does, he loves the openness and freedom sure, but when he’s out here, in the country with nothing around him, the sheer openness overwhelms him.

They only sit in the truck for a couple of minutes before Christian is driving again. Explaining as he goes.

“I bought about 300 acres of land from a guy Momma and Daddy knew when I was a kid. “ It’s all he says and Steve knows that’s all he’s getting until Christian is ready to say more. Steve goes with the silence; he spends his time looking at this place that Christian now owns. It’s beautiful out here really; even he can admit that.

When Christian stops driving once more, Steve knows it’s time to listen again because whatever is about to come out of Christian’s mouth isn’t what he actually means and he is going to have to interpret it. “I wanna build a house out here…maybe have a horse or two…” Christian trails off and Steve starts to tell him how much he likes that idea before Christian starts talking again, really quickly like he doesn’t want to say it but feels like he has to. “Now I ain’t askin’ ya’ to move out here with me if you don’t wanna. I know Ojai’s your home.” Except that's exactly what Christian wants to do. Steve can see it in his eyes hear it in his voice.

“What if I want to come out here with you?” He asks the question just because he wants to hear what Christian is going to say.

His head snaps up and one of the biggest brightest smiles Steve has ever seen is one his face.

“Really?” Christian asks with all the giddiness of a child as he walks over and throws his arms around Steve.

“Really” Steve whispers in his ear, placing a chaste kiss on the side of his mouth.

Absolutely Something Important(aka I couldn't think of a title)

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:47:30 GMT

Title: Absolutely Something Important(aka I couldn't think of a title)
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Alec/Eliot
Disclaimer: Dean Devlin, John Rogers and a whole bunch of other really awesome people own Leverage, I'm not one of them. I own the names Katie and Cameron(and I don't even really own those) but that's about it.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: Alec just can't mind his own business
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago(and by that I mean at like 2:30 during class:D) for goodbyetoyou. I'm not really sure this is what you were looking for when you prompted it, but it's what came out while we were talking about Oedipus during class and the first thing I've been able to write since school started back. Also I think I kinda fail at Eliot's voice I just can't seem to get it in my head the way I want it to sound, or the way I think it should sound.

Eliot has a pair of blue booties in the bottom drawer of his dresser, hidden behind a bunch of shirts that Alec has never seen him touch, much less wear. Alec wants to know whose they are; wants to know why Eliot even has something like that. But to get Eliot to tell him where they’re from, he’d have to admit to going through his stuff. He’d rather not do that because he’s kind of fond of being alive and he values the trust that Eliot has given him to even allow him in his home.

He’s trying to distract himself with the computer, but for once he can’t get his brain to focus enough to do anything because he’s still thinking about WHY Eliot has booties in his dresser.

“You could just ask about ‘em.” Eliot says coming up silently behind Alec.

“Make some noise man!” Alec squeaks holding his hand to his chest. Of course, Eliot knows that Alec knows about the booties. Eliot knows everything. “So…why do you have booties?”

“They’re my son’s.” Eliot says slowly, quietly. “My sister sent ‘em when he grew outta ‘em.”

“Wait what?” Alec’s confused, he’d thought he’d known all of the important stuff about Eliot and this was absolutely something important.

“Cameron’s my son. His momma didn’t want ‘im and I…I couldn’t take him not with the way I live. So Katie took ‘im.”

“Wait, but I…he’s your nephew. You said so!”

“He don’t know his momma ain’t his momma, nobody knows but me an’ Katie.” He says it firmly and Alec knows that is all he’s gonna get about this from Eliot; to Eliot the conversation is over. “And really man, stay outta my clothes,” he growls, but Alec can see the smile in his eyes and he knows he doesn’t really mean it.

“Whatever man.”

Sometimes The Truth is Hard to Face

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 15:32:34 GMT

Title: Sometimes The Truth is Hard to Face
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: past J2 with helpful BFF Steve
Disclaimer: Steve Carlson and Jensen Ackles own themselves. I own nothing, this is a work of fiction and I make nothing for it.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: It isn't for the best if it makes everyone unhappy
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic.

Steve and Jensen have been friends for a long time so he knows when something is up with him. He’s able to read Jensen in a way that most people can’t, mostly because Jensen has let him inside his head, inside his heart.

So when Jen breaks up with Jared without even giving Steve a real reason, something other than “we’re too different.” Steve knows that something’s up. Knows that Jensen has gone and done something stupid again and he’s going to help him fix it, because that is what best friends do.

“Do you still love him?” He catches Jen by surprise with the question, he can tell but he doesn’t care. He wants an honest answer.

Jensen is about to open his mouth to answer but Steve call tell he’s going to lie to him, can see it in his eyes, the set of his jaw. “Don’t lie to me Jen, I’ll know and you’ll regret it.”

“Yeah...”

“So then why, I don’t understand man.”

“It’s what’s best for him.” Steve can tell just by looking at Jensen that he believes this and knows that this change of heart was caused by something someone said or wrote about the two of them.

“Jen, he loves you and he’s miserable without you and you, you love him, I know you do. So in no way is this good for anyone.”

Steve can see what his words have done to Jensen; see that his best friend is fighting back tears. The urge to wrap Jensen in his arms can’t be ignored, so Steve walks over to him and wraps him in a hug pouring all the love and comfort he can into the embrace. When he feels Jensen’s tears hit his shoulder he hugs him that much tighter.

He knows that Jensen and Jared love each other; now all they have to do is work this out. Hopefully sooner rather than later because Steve hates seeing his best friend so upset.

Not My Idea of Fun

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 15:21:46 GMT

Title: Not My Idea of Fun
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson
Disclaimer: Christian Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. I own a lot of pictures of Steve and you know some music but that's it. This is a work of fiction.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: This isn't fun but he's gonna stay anyway
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic then I never got around to posting it.

He’d said it would be fun. So Steve had come along, even though all he really wanted to do was spend the night hanging out curled over his guitar in his living room with Christian.

It wasn’t fun though, not for him. He didn’t know any of the people here, and he was feeling strangely self-conscious surrounded by them. He’d been so sure he’d gotten over that, but apparently, he’d been wrong.

It looked like Chris was having a lot of fun surrounded by people, so Steve knew he would stick it out for his friend. If Chris hadn’t wanted him there, he wouldn’t have invited him, so even though he thinks this is stupid he’s going to stay because Chris is his friend and these people are Chris’s friends.

It's Only a Bad Word Sometimes

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 15:15:30 GMT

Title: It's Only a Bad Word Sometimes
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson
Verse: Family
Disclaimer: Christian Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. I own Jessica. This is a work of fiction.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: Why'd she have to say it in front of his mom
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic then I never got around to posting it.

Steve isn’t sure why he’s surprised that Jessica’s first real word besides Dada is fuck. She’s just like her Daddy and she spends so much time with him that it shouldn’t come as a surprise but it does anyway.

It probably wouldn’t be as bad if she hadn’t said it in front of him parents. His mom gave him that look, you know the one; the “this is all your fault and if my granddaughter ever says that word again, you’re going to pay.” He tries to argue that it isn’t his fault, it’s all on Christian, but his mom knows him and knows he says fuck almost as often as Chris does.

Away from his mom’s angry glare though, Steve has to admit that it was kind of cute, especially since Jessica scrunches her whole face up in her attempt to imitate the way Chris scrunches his nose when he’s really pissed off.

Come. Do. Enjoy!

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:27:42 GMT

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

I need something to do so...I want y'all to do this, please... :D (And yes I stole this from daisiesdaily

Promises Made, Promises Broken

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 03:53:23 GMT

Title: Promises Made, Promises Broken
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson
Disclaimer: Chris Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. Anyone you recognize, I don't own. This is a work of fiction. I make no money from this. In fact I spent $200 to create this work of fiction.
Word Count: 3,522
Warnings:There is CHARACTER DEATH. I needed to warn y'all for that right off. This is SLASH, don't like, don't read!
Summary: How do you cope when everything in your world changes?
Author's Note: This is unbeta'd and rips off pieces that I wrote for comment_fic so if anything seems familiar that's why. You can point out any errors you find so I can fix them and make this better.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.

When they’d said good-bye at home before Steve went to Vegas to work on his third album, he’d had no idea that that would be the last time he’d ever see Christian. See his bright blue eyes shining with mirth, and promises that would be explored later when they both had more time. As it was, Chris needed to be on set soon and Steve needed to catch his flight.

Steve had been in Las Vegas for about a week; calling Chris when he gets back to the hotel each night or sometimes ridiculously early in the morning. No matter what time he calls, Chris is always willing to listen to him. Whether it is because he’s excited about the track they laid down or he just wants to come back home. Chris is there listening sharing in his excitement or reminding him that he loves what he’s doing and he’s lucky to get to do it and when he wakes up he’ll remember that.

He’s at the studio about to go into the booth when he gets the call. Steve knows it can’t be good news because all of his friends and his family know where he’s at; they all know that once he starts working he hates to be bothered. He has them trained now not to call him when he’s recording.

“You need to get here now; it’s bad.” That’s all Dean needs to say before Steve knows that there is no possible way that his life will ever be the same.

Dean can’t give him any real information because he doesn’t really know what happened. All he knows is that the stunt went bad. They’re trying to figure out what happened. But honestly, Steve doesn’t care; he just wants to know about Chris. Dean can’t tell him anything on that front either, just that he’s at the hospital and they’re doing everything they can. It takes three hours for Steve to get to the hospital that Christian is at from Las Vegas, and God they were the longest 3 hours of his life, he still has no idea what happened, but his mind has managed to make some truly horrible images.

The first person he sees when he asks for Christian is Dean, and he looks grim. It’s a look that does absolutely nothing to assure Steve that Chris is going to be okay.

“What happened?” Steve asks, even though he doesn’t think he really wants the answer, but knowing that he needs to know, if only to make his brain stop.

“The stunt went bad. He and Gary were fighting and he didn’t duck when he should’ve. Got hit in the head with a 2X4. Knocked him out and he fell backward through a solid pane of glass. Cut him up really bad, he lost a lot of blood.”

Steve can tell that he’s leaving something out, something that is important; but he’s afraid to ask because he didn’t even really want to know that much. “And?”

Dean looks almost surprised, like he hadn’t been expecting Steve to notice the fact that something was missing. “And when he fell, he fell about 10 feet…” He trails off like he’s going to continue but isn’t sure what to say.

After that, it’s a waiting game. Waiting to for the doctors to come out and tell them something. Waiting for Christian’s parents and sister to get in from Oklahoma, waiting for Jason to get there so Steve doesn’t feel quite so alone in a room full of people.

------------

It doesn’t really take Jason that long to get there, but since Steve is in need of a friend so badly, it feels like it takes a lifetime. Jason is well Jason when he finally does get there. Kind and gentle and hovering in way only Jason can be. He hasn’t even been there for an hour before Steve wants him to leave him alone; he doesn’t want him to go because Steve knows all too well that at some point in the near future, he’s going to want him there. Need him to comfort him and be his friend.

When the Kane’s get there, it is approaching dawn and the doctor has only been out to see them once. He told Steve that it was serious but that’s all he could say because he and Christian had never taken the time to make their relationship official in any way. They hadn’t needed the paperwork to know they were serious, to know they’d be together for the rest of their lives. They had been ChrisandSteve for almost 10 years and getting some kind of document wasn’t going to change the way they felt about each other.

Steve knows it is serious, really serious after Mama Kane speaks with the doctor. It isn’t like he didn’t know that before, but Mama Kane’s face doesn’t hide anything where her baby boy is concerned and Steve can see the pain, the devastation on her face. He’s staring at Jennifer and Mama Kane hoping that just by looking at them he’ll find out what he needs to know. In turn, he can feel Jason’s eyes on the back of his head; feel him hovering just beside him if and when he needs anything.

It’s Jennifer who finally tells Steve what’s going on with Chris; just how badly he’s hurt. And Steve wishes with all his heart that he didn’t have to stand there and listen to Jennifer tell him that the man that he was planning to spend his life with is dying. He wishes he could be back in Vegas with Darren and Cris working on the album, wishes that Chris wasn’t so damn stubborn and would let a double do his more dangerous stunts. But all the wishing in the world isn’t going to make the things Jennifer has told him go away.

Jennifer tells him that it could be hours until they’re finally allowed in to say good-bye to Christian one last time and tries to send Steve home to get some rest, but he isn’t going to listen. He wants to be there, needs to be there when something happens. It might be horrible, but this is something that he can’t miss.

He’s sitting in the waiting room nursing one of the cups of black coffee that Jason keeps bringing him. Jason and Jennifer had tried again to convince him to go home, to get some rest, but he wouldn’t listen. He needs to be there when the doctors come back out; when they finally decide to let them in to see Christian, say goodbye if what the doctors are saying is true.

------------

Steve is trying to convince Jason to go home when Christian’s doctor finally reappears. His coffee and his conversation with Jason are quickly forgotten as he, Jennifer and Mama Kane stand to hear what the doctor is going to tell them. Steve is sure that it is going to be more news that he isn’t going to like, more news that will change his life. But he isn’t sure what can be worse than there isn’t anything we can do but try to keep him comfortable.

When the doctor is finished speaking to him and the Kane’s, he sits back down and plays with the damn cup of black coffee. He can distantly hear Jason talking to him but he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He can hear Mama Kane and Jennifer in the background crying and comforting each other, but he isn’t paying any attention to them either. His entire focus is on the cup and its contents. Apparently, there are worse things that the doctor can say, like I’m so sorry, but he’s gone.

Steve hadn’t gotten to say goodbye. Hadn’t gotten to see him one last time. He’s shaking now and the coffee is spilling out of the cup onto his hands and the floor. He can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, feel arms around him, he knows they must be Jason’s, but he doesn’t care. Not right now. Chris is gone and he didn’t get to say goodbye, tell him he loved him, nothing.

Jason sat with Steve what felt to him like ages while he grieved for the man he loved and for the future they’d lost. He’d never seen Steve so upset before. Never seen this proud man cry before and it combined with the loss of a man that was a friend was breaking his heart. He wanted to cry right there in the hospital waiting room with the Kane’s and Steve but he couldn’t because he had to be there for Steve there was no way he was going to get through this without his friends there to support him. Right now, that was Jason’s job, later it would be someone else’s and Jason could cry all he wanted.
___________________

It has been three days since Christian died; three days since the last time Steve said a word to anyone. Even then, it had only been to tell Jason to leave him alone. He is curled up in their bed wearing Christian’s sweatpants and a hoodie just so he can be surrounded by his scent, even though it’s starting to fade a little bit. He should be getting packed though; he’s supposed to be on a flight to take Christian’s body back to Norman but he’s not ready so instead of getting packed he’s thinking of excuses not to go.

Steve needs to talk to Jason, convince him to get on the plane because he isn’t ready yet. Steve knows he’ll do it; Jason will do just about anything for this friends. So for the first time in days, Steve ventures out of the sanctuary of their room. Jason is in the kitchen cleaning, just like Steve thought he’d be. Jason cleans when he is worried or stressed and this time he’s both so Jason has cleaned almost every room in Steve’s house.

“Jason?” Steve says in a voice hoarse from three days of disuse and before that, a week of overuse.
“Yeah man, what do ya need?” Steve can hear the concern in Jason’s voice and it bothers him for reasons he can’t explain.

“I don’t…I…I can’t get on that plane, can’t go to Norman. Not yet. I need you to go.”
Jason is ready to refuse; Steve can see it in his eyes. “Please.”

One word and the look in Steve’s eyes is enough to make Jason agree. He knows he shouldn’t, knows that if Steve doesn’t fly down now, it’s going to be even harder to convince him to go down on the flight that Jason has booked for himself.

Jason calls his wife to let her know that he’s going to fly down now and Steve will be going with her. Kristy isn’t mad when he tells her; she just promises that she’ll make sure that Steve makes it down to Norman in time for the funeral. It reminds Jason why he loves her so much.

--------

Two days; that’s all the time Steve’s friends have to convince him that he’s going to regret it if he doesn’t go to Norman. They’re thinking about calling in reinforcements to make him go, either him mom or Mama Kane. He’ll listen to them he always has. Turns out, they don’t have to call anyone to get Steve to get on that plane. All it takes is one quiet conversation with Kristy and he’s willing to at least get on the plane. His friends are counting that as a win because it’s a lot further than Jason managed to get.
“Steve, you have to go to Norman, you know that.”

“I…I can’t. I don’t want to, not yet Kristy.” Steve’s voice is pleading begging Kristy to understand why this is so hard for him. Why he doesn’t want to go.

“If you don’t go now, if you don’t say goodbye now, will you be able to do it later?” It’s just a simple question but it’s enough. Enough for Steve to finally admit that he knows if he doesn’t go now, he isn’t ever going to go. He’s never going to be ready. Now he has all his friends and family. He’s not going to have that later. He knows it, even if it takes him a while to admit it. “No…”It’s all he says, but he knows it’s the truth.

---

Norman is just like every other time Steve had visited; only this time he doesn’t have Christian’s voice in the background making jokes or random comments about the place where he grew up. It’s hard to be here without that, even with all their friends and family, it’s still hard.

It’s hard to sleep in the bedroom Christian grew up in, the room they shared every time they came to visit Christian’s parents. He wants to be in a nice neutral hotel with Jason and Kristy but he isn’t willing to do that to Mama Kane. He keeps telling himself that it’s only for a couple of days then he can go back home, back to his bedroom to be alone with his thoughts.

---

The funeral is just as horrible and emotional as Steve thought it’d be. He wants to be anywhere but sitting in that church listening to a man that barely even knows Christians talk about him life. Listen to him tell everyone that Christian is at peace now. Steve wants nothing more than to jump up and disagree, Chris was happy before, at peace before. His life, their life was good and they were happy.

When Pastor Williams is finished speaking, he gives an open invitations for Christian’s friends and family to come forward and speak. Steve knows he should go up there, knows Christian’s parents want him to, but he can’t. He isn’t ready to share the way he feels with other people. He wants to say his final goodbye in private, away from people who think they understand how he feels, what he’s going through.

Steve gets the chance for his private goodbye two days later when he’s finally able to sneak away from his mom and Christian’s mom and from Jason and Kristy. He knows they’re trying to be there for him and he knows that Mama Kane misses her little boy but he needs times. Time to adjust, time to say goodbye, time to mourn without them being there every time he turns around, without them hovering.

When he gets to the cemetery, he sits in the rental for almost fifteen minutes staring at the freshly covered grave before he’s finally able to gather the strength to get out of the car. He sinks down under a tree close to Christian’s grave and all he can think is that Chris would’ve hated the damn thing. Can hear his voice making fun of it for being “puny.” It is what he needs to finally let him just talk.

“I miss you Chris.” It seems like such an extremely obvious sentiment but Steve still has to say it, has to let it out.

“I want you to be here, I want to see you, to tell you I love you; just one more time.” There’s so much more that Steve wants to say, needs to say but the words won’t come.

As he stands to leave Christian here in Norman forever, he whispers, “I love you” into the wind, knowing that Chris will hear it no matter what.

----

Its four weeks after the funeral before Steve finally decides to go through their house for to find the things he wants to send back to Mama Kane, and he’s only doing it now so Jensen will leave him alone about the memorial service they’re putting on in his backyard. He doesn’t want to be there, doesn’t want to share his feelings with these people, it doesn’t matter that they’re his friends practically his family he isn’t ready yet and no matter how much Jensen badgers him, he isn’t going to be ready, isn’t going to do this.

He’s going through the bedroom closet when he finds it. A box filled with pictures. Pictures with friends, with fans, with each other, with their families. It’s too much, too soon. He isn’t ready to see Christian’s laughing blue eyes, or his smile, not so soon after losing him.

Steve’s first instinct is to destroy the pictures and the memories that accompany them. He doesn’t though. He knows that when this hurt less, he’s going to want those pictures, he’s going to want to look back at the happy times with Christian, all the memories they’d made together in 10 years. So he stuffs everything back in the box, and shoves the box back to the back of their his closet. Steve makes a conscious decision to stop looking through their his closet. He knows there is more stuff stuffed in there that he doesn’t want or isn’t ready to see. It can wait for later; maybe he’ll take Kristy and Jason up on their offer and let them help. It isn’t like going through any of this stuff is going to bring Christian back to him.
For now though, he can hear his friends and family celebrating Christian’s life, they’re probably drinking and having a good time. He wants nothing more than to join them to maybe share some of his own memories, not the personal stuff, it’s still too soon for that; but maybe some of the stuff that their friends already know. He isn’t sure he can though now after he was so horrible to Jensen about it, so adamant that he wasn’t ready, that he couldn’t do it.

He’s hovering just inside the kitchen but he can hear what Jason is saying clearly. He’s talking about the time they’d all gotten completely wasted and drunk dialed Kristy. Steve remembers the next morning clearly, even if the night is a blur. He’d woken up to Kristy screaming at Chris about how much of an idiot he was and didn’t he know that is was totally unfair to call a girl, any girl at 3 in the morning. Steve remembers she got her revenge though, two days later, she’d called their house woken Christian up at two in the morning and made him come over because she’d heard a noise and Jason was doing a show in Texas.
He stands insides his kitchen through another two stories before Jen sees him hovering and comes to get him. Listening to their friends talk about Christian is great because these are the people that know him the best. The people that spent the most time with him.

Steve stays as more of an observer then an actual participant until almost the very end of their party. He wants to say something, tell a story or something because he still hasn’t said anything to anybody relating to Chris at all since he died.

“I just wanted to share a little story before y’all left.” Suddenly Steve has the attention of everyone in his backyard, it isn’t like he didn’t expect it but he’s been hiding from people for almost a month so the intense focus is a little overwhelming.

“The first time Chris and I played for a crowd that wasn’t a group of our friends, I was scared. You guys know me; I wasn’t good with a ton of people watching me. Chris was always way better at that kind of stuff than I was. So Chris gave me some advice. I figured it would be something bad, stupid, or weird. Everyone here has probably been giving some advice that in Chris’s head was great but in reality was weird…”Steve’s cut off by his friend’s laughter. Everyone knows what he’s talking about, they all probably have their own weird advice story.

“He told me to pretend that it was our friends in the audience and it’d be fine. It was weird at first but as the show went on, it worked out great. For once, it wasn’t a strange piece of advice but something solid and helpful. Those words still stick with me. I always imagine one of our friends is there if I can’t find a familiar face in the audience. I guess the point is, he doesn’t…didn’t always give horrible advice…”Steve trails off before retreating back into his house.

The celebration of Christian’s life wraps up shortly after that. And for the first time in a little over a month, Steve feels a little lighter. He talked about Chris, listened to others talk about him. It’s not great progress, but it’s a start and it proves to him that he’s on the way to healing. He’s knows it’s going to take a long time but that’s okay with him. He doesn’t expect to just be able to move on. He had a life planned out with Chris, but it’s comforting to know that he’s taking steps toward where he wants to be, where he knows he should be.

One Thing I Can Count On

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:33:09 GMT

Title: One Thing I Can Count On
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson
Verse: Family
Disclaimer: Chris Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. This is a work of fiction.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: He just misses the guy that he could count on
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic. I don't know why I write Chris like this so much but I in no way think he's actually like this, okay? Okay!

They’re supposed to be leaving for dinner with his parents in 10 minutes and Christian still hasn’t shown up. Steve wants to be surprised by this, he really does; but he isn’t surprised at all.

This is what they’ve become. The couple that makes plans together but then Chris doesn’t show up. Because he has something that’s more important or something comes up.

It’s the one thing in their relationship that Steve has come to count on from Chris and he hates it. Chris didn’t used to be that guy. But he’s changed over the last couple of years. It wasn’t a big deal at first, Steve barely even noticed. Now though, the changes have become obvious and he doesn’t know what to do anymore because he loves Chris, he really does. He just misses the guy that he could count on.

The Wedding Job

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:35:21 GMT

Title: The Wedding Job
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson & Jessica/Josh
Verse: Family
Disclaimer: Chris Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. I own Jessica and Josh, but that's all. This is a work of fiction.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: Weddings are hard especially when your little girl is the one getting married.
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic and I loved it but when I got around to posting it there was already a response to the prompt so I just decided to save it for later.

He’s standing at the back of the church waiting to walk down the aisle with his husband and their daughter. They are walking her toward her future husband, hoping her life will be filled with as much love and joy as the last 30-odd years of their life together has been.

Steve watches Chris out of the corner of his eye through the ceremony and can’t help but think of a time, so many years ago, when they stood in front of their families and friends and promised they would love each other for the rest of their lives. They’d never imagined that they’d be sitting in a church attending their daughter’s wedding.

Steve doesn’t shed a tear until Jessica says, “I do.” It isn't like he didn’t know it was coming. Jessica and Josh had been dating since their sophomore year of high school; they were in love. Hell, he and Christian had helped plan the wedding. But watching them declare their love and promise to spend eternity together makes the tears flow freely, even after he’d told himself he wasn’t going to cry at the wedding, he’d wait until he was in the safety of his own home with only Christian there to experience the tears. The tears don’t bother him much because when he looks over at Christian, he can see the tears shimmering in his eyes too.

Do You Remember?

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:27:56 GMT

Title: Do You Remember?
Author: Jamie bwhouwant2b
Pairing: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson
Disclaimer: Chris Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. This is a work of fiction.
Thanks: Y'all for reading.
Summary: One letter can change everything.
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic but didn't like it so didn't post there. Then by the time I decided that it was okay, someone had already answered the prompt.

He’s holding up a letter when he asks Steve if he remembers. The letter started their relationship so long ago. He’d written it while he was in Chicago filming the pilot of Leverage and he’d sent it to Steve then. He’d told him exactly how he felt, how he’d felt for a long time.

He knows that it was a little bit of a cowardly thing to do, but he hadn’t been sure he’d be able to face the rejection if he told Steve to his face. He had been leaving subtle hints for years now, maybe too subtle, and still nothing had happened. So, he had resorted to writing the letter. Getting all his thoughts and feelings out on paper, because he knows that he isn’t always great with words. Hoping that if Steve didn’t feel the same way about him, then they could just forget about the whole thing ever happening.

He’s surprised when a few days later after he gets back from filming and sees Steve standing in the lobby of the hotel. Steve kisses him right there, like it’s something they’ve done every day for years.
That letter changed everything. It changed the way they interacted with each other and it certainly changed their relationship. It brought them to where they are today, sitting in their house, a house they bought together.

He knows that Steve remembers the letter of course, but sometimes, he likes to pull it out just to see the smile that crosses Steve’s face. Just to feel the contentment that spreads through him whenever he sees that smile.

Birthdays

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:07:30 GMT

Title: Happy Birthday
Author: Jamie Rose bwhouwant2b
Pairing/Characters/'verse: Christian Kane/Steve Carlson/Jessica, Apollo, Jason Manns/ Family 'verse
Disclaimer: Chris Kane and Steve Carlson own themselves. This is a work of fiction. I only own Jessica and Apollo. They spend lots of time talking/barking in my head, but won't let me write them...
Thanks: Y'all for reading. And honeyjojame for encouranging me to write, not this specific piece but just in general. Oh and comment_fic for inspiring me to write and post in the first place.
Summary: A year in birthday.
Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for comment_fic but didn't like it so didn't post there. I'm going back through my fic to clean up and post some of it here and thought what the hell, I don't know why I don't like this so why not let other people read it?

Jessica’s birthday is celebrated with a small group of friends and family and the kids that she had met at playgroup. It wasn’t huge or fancy. Just people that they cared about. The kids all had fun. Hell even Apollo had fun chasing the little kids around their backyard. It was filled with cake and fun and games that a 2 year old would enjoy. By the time the party was over, Jessica was passed out in Steve’s arms, and both of her parents were just as exhausted.

Steve’s birthday is celebrated by playing at a club. He’d set the gig up without really thinking about the date so he doesn’t really get to spend the whole day with his family. Christian wanted to be there, but couldn’t because their little girl was sick and they weren’t willing to leave her with a sitter just so Chris could come to Steve’s gig. Steve’s birthday wasn’t bad by any means, the crowd sang Happy Birthday to him, which was more amusing than anything. And when he finally got home, he found that Christian had actually baked him a cake. It was a little lopsided but it didn’t matter because Christian had taken the time to do it when they both knew he hated baking and would do anything to avoid it.

For Christian’s birthday, they left Jessica and Apollo with Jason and went out. It was only the second or third times they done something like that since they adopted Jessica, but it was worth it. They’d had a ton of fun. Their fun ends with them back at home spending quality time just the two of them. They had other plans, but they ended up just curled up on their couch watching movies. Steve realized they weren’t the same people they were last year, when instead of making out and heavy petting on their couch while watching the movie Christian fell asleep. It didn’t matter though, because Steve knows that Christian wouldn’t have his birthday any other way.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it.
I need an icon for my verse.

The promised Jason Manns and Steve Carlson picspam, old and new pictures.

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:39:46 GMT

All of these pictures are from angels_cordy and wolfpup2000. So a big thanks to them for letting me use these pictures. And if you want to see more, ask these two or head on over to their journals. I'm sorry this is so long after I promised it, but it's been a busy couple of weeks. Also I'm going to try to post a weekend picspam tomorrow or Sunday.

See I saw this picture and I was like I'm good with the hair, I like the hair.

And then I looked at this old picture and I'm like nope, I'm not good with the hair. I hate the hair, I want the old hair back!

Look we've got fangs! I do so love his fangs, I'm not really sure why...

Facepalm Steve/Confuzzled Steve = adorable Steve!

Steve says I dunno, let me think about that...

Smiley happy Steve is ♥

I was there and I sorta remember this face, but I honestly don't remember WTF it's for. The whole day is a bit of a blur for me...

And we can't leave out smirky Steve he is ♥ too!

Aldis thought he'd stop by, just to remind you all how awesome and adorable he is. In case anyone forgot.

Jason Manns is adorable squishiness of love. I totally need to meet this man and see him play!!

It was this tall!

and I was like whoa!

and then I got scared

But then I remember that I'm awesome!

These are my thinky faces!

I'm listening, don't you see my listening face?

Oh and we can't forget Jason in glasses, cause that is my favorite kind of Jason!

Sometimes, Jason's eyes creep me out a little bit. But I still love him, creepy eyes and all.

And we need to include so Jason & Steve together love!

Here, let me fix that for you

For real Jason, as adorable as you are, why are you so weird?

Malik Whitfield says 1 minute before you go

Aldis wants to get 1 last picture

Now I gotta go finish my laundry. I need a Jason Manns icon... Feel free to pimp this post to your friends. It'll most likely stay open until Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on how much time I have.

Chris/Steve Injured

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:25:39 GMT

I wrote this tiny little not drabble. It started out being for honeyjojames over at comment_fic but then I didn't post it because it didn't fit into the bad sex theme. I decided to post it to my own journal because I like it and I think its cute. I thought y'all might like it too.

When Steve comes in with a bruise on his cheek, Chris can’t help but laugh. He doesn’t mean to really he just can’t help it. He told Steve this was a bad idea, but of course, he didn’t listen. Steve is glaring at him which of only makes him laugh harder. It is a little funny. Steve will laugh at this soon, as soon as his cheek doesn’t hurt so much. Chris knew from experience that Jenny’s son Michael had bad aim but Steve just wouldn’t listen to him. Chris pulls a bag of peas from the freezer for Steve to put on his cheek. Just before he walks away, Steve pulls him in for a kiss. Now Chris just has to go get Michael from the back yard, knowing from experience that his nephew will feel bad and want to kiss Steve better. He looks back one last time before going through the sliding glass door to the back yard and can’t help but chuckle. Steve really is adorable when he has a bag of peas pressed to his jaw and pouting.

Also if y'all want me to post some of the other things I wrote yesterday for comment_fic just let me know and I'll do it.

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:31:24 GMT

Supernatural Friending Meme!
Come join the fun!

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:28:17 GMT

Chris Kane who is now staring in Leverage, which y'all should check out, is the subject of this spam. Isn't her just adorable? This is part 3 of my end of the semester celebration. I thought I'd post this now because I know that I'm not gonna be feelin it when I get back from my Regional Lit final. I'll probably need the cheering up after that.

I got these pictures from various places. Mostly myspace and his official site. If there are any here that I should be crediting to a particular person, please let me know.

Who can resist a man with a puppy?

Why so angry?

I can't have angry Chris without smiling Chris

Christian say,s I will kick your ass!!

Why didn't I know he had freckles? Freckles are love!

I know this picture should be credited to someone but I don't remember who, sorry!

Some Chris David cause they are both freakin' adorable

Some Chris, Steve and some Chris Jerrod

Laughing w/ J August. I love this man I really do.

Who doesn't love a man who wears his hair in braids like this?

I envy his hair I really do. How sad is that?

Steve Carlson Picspam

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:48:07 GMT

Here is Steve who is the best! I can't celebrate the end of the semester without him since his music has kept me sane for the last couple of months! Because I've taken 1 final and I have a 98% in the class, we celebrate with a little bit of Steve, enjoy!

We start with little Steve because he is so freakin adorable

I had to have one picture of Steve and Christian together. I couldn't help myself :D

These next couple of pictures are mine from Chicago last month

So I love his hands and his guitar, I can't help it!

These last 3 are from chaotic4life who graciously let me use them in my pic spam!

So this isn't actually Steve but this is my favorite picture ever. I love his case! It makes me smile!

Jensen Ackles Pic Spam

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:22:06 GMT

The semester is almost over all I have are finals left so to celebrate I'm doing pic spams. This is part 1 of the semester is almost over celebration. In honor of poisontaster's birthday, I present you Jensen Ackles!

Woobie Dean

And we end with...

Check it out

jamie.rose.jones@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 04:17:36 GMT

Ariel's Multi-Fandom Friending Meme